So, as of last post, (11/12/2020) I did rehydrate and build up on this one, just one more row. I sort of laughed to myself that that was it, but that’s what it was. And as I was finishing that, I realized that I had sort of ignored and idea, and instinct to put, to punch, a hole into one of its sides. And that really goes against the process, my process. I know I wondered, as I have before, “what are these thoughts? should i really just go with them? I mean, I sort of am for now, until I decide, or something, not to…”
There I was, and the idea was still there, and a sort of feeling of guilt that I had passed something up that was “supposed” to be there, “supposed” to be a part of this piece. But I couldn’t quite get how to deal with it now. I just kept spinning the “pot” and touching it with all my fingertips of my left hand and came to spot where it seemed quite right to circle each fingertip, cut the circles out and just leave the holes. so i did.
I cut the holes and thought was it, in a sort of funny way it felt ok, felt like the right move, sort of, so I burnished a bit. But I did feel a little unsettled about it. I figured it was a compromise. Lesson learned, maybe. And I said I wouldn’t go against my process again, but also that, I guess, this is a part of it too, because it is happening; evaluation. I left it alone for a time.
I don’t remember if it was later the same day or the next morning, but pretty clearly I could see the thing to do was cut the whole hole out because really that’s what it was “supposed” to be anyway. Clear as it was in my mind I still thought “really!?” and “Yes! Are you kidding!?” came immediately to mind. So, I agreed with myself that I would go in there and sit with it. Maybe I was just having fun, destructive “just put a hole in it!” ideas. So, I went and sat with it. I put my fingers in the finger holes and knew right away I should cut it out. So I did and it was delightful. It felt quite right. No unsettled feelings.
And it made me laugh. fisthole. Not the punch through I believe it should have been originally, but it was there, represented? And a reminder to me to stay with and honest with process. But also, that this was part of the process, so there’s that too. For whatever that is worth. Life is checking self, questioning self…maybe more of a checking in? And learning from those moves. so yeah.